Dinky, pictured in the photo of this month’s Pandering to the Locals, has long been considered the office’s official “office dog,” even though he belongs to webmaster Harry D. Hudson, Jr. Dinky’s great, but does he have a shell? No! Guess who does? My turtle of twenty-one years, Sheldon. Although he’s only lived in the office for upwards of three weeks, I’d like to deem him the Official Sub Pop Office Turtle. Check him out! This portrait was taken by the lovely Roseanne Olson, a pro at Getty Images. One of the things people don’t know about Sheldon is that he gives great advice on what Sub Pop releases to buy. If you want advice from Sheldon, e-mail him at press at subpop dot com.
Hey, look! It’s my ex-coworkers Sarah and Nick sitting in the brand new office for Hardly Art Records, which they now run, having a “meeting” with Sub Pop’s head of A&R Tony Kiewel (that’s him in the middle.) I have some questions for them. Let’s do this!
L:What are your immediate hopes for your new label? Let’s say within the next 2 weeks immediate…
S:I hope to have a table for our printer first of all. And we just sent out records for Arthur & Yu to national press, so here’s hoping people actually listen to and enjoy it.
L:Well, that’s just great. You are already off to a stellar start with this high profile interview on the Sub Pop blog.
S: Thanks, friend.
L: I prefer, office-floor mate now.
L: Kidding. Next question, and this one’s for Nick. What is Sarah’s worst trait?
N: Hmmmm. Alright. (silence) (laughs) She’s almost too enjoyable to work with. [this is BS —ed.] and I think it may sour me for future working environments.
L:Sarah! Same question, only for Nick.
S: (sniffle) Severe ADD and an addiction to bagels.
N: Ah, that’s true.
L: Well, it was your idea to work with him. He could’ve mailed out my videos until the end of time.
N: Yeah, do you know that we actually don’t do any video mailings and that’s the only thing I’m really qualified for!
L: Last question. Would you guys feel comforatble sharing a queen size bed on a business trip? You know, to keep costs down.
N: I’m in.
S: Pillow burier. [see, this makes no sense. what she meant was…] Pillow barrier.
At this point Alissa comes in with two ice cold Raniers to congratulate them on their new digs.
L:I lied. One more question. Do you guys do it with each other?
S: You mean working?
L: NO, I MEAN SEX!
N: Woah! (He’s still in!)
This week we’re taking an in depth look at what we like to call our ‘international flavor’ here at Sub Pop. Ladies and Gentlemens—please meet Richard Laing—a guy from Scotland who thinks ice lolly is the correct term for a popsicle.
L: State your name and position.
R: Dick Laing, sales.
L: Tell me a little bit about what you do.
OH WAIT. IN COMES CARLY STARR. Dick used to be her intern.
L: Go ahead Richard—tell me about what you do.
R: I…huh…uh…uh…(silence). I try to create demand and meet demand for records.
C: Listen to you, sounding professional.
L: Carly, do you think that is a bullshit answer?
C: Definitely. I know what Richie really does..
R: What do I do?
C: He pretends to be Scottish when he’s not really.
(Here Richard laughs a little honking nerd laugh…)
C: That way…
R: I said no racial slurs!
C: He has to be here to fill our minority quotient.
L: Yeah, it’s pretty white around here. I don’t know if a Scotsman really helps, though.
R: Hey, Carly, remember when I used to be your intern?
L: Sounds like it was a real memorable blast.
L: Who do you guys like the least here?
C: You, of course. (to Lacey)
L: It’s okay, no one reads this thing…
C: C’mon, Richie!
R: I’m passive explosive and not ready to explode yet.
L: Okay, you total pussy, who’s your favorite coworker?
R: Equally, Dean and Andy.
(I’d like to point out here that these guys are Richard’s “bosses”. What a crock of shit.)
L: Alright, last question. Would you guys strip naked and snuggle each other in a snow storm?
C: Isn’t the last question always about stripping naked or doing it?
(She’s on to me.)
(This is the way it always ends, too.)
L: Okay, okay. For real. What is your favorite record of 2007 so far?
(Silence all around)
C: I can’t remember what came out this year. Oh, wait—easy. The rerelease of CSS.
L: Oh c’mon!
R: Equally, Grinderman and Panda Bear.
L: I like how you don’t ever want to hurt anyone’s feelings….
We got so many entries for the Best Worst Band Names Contest that it was tough to pick just ONE WINNER! Some of your submissions were fantastic, and some, not so much. Here are the top five, for your viewing pleasure:
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: Jamulet (Submitted by Chak Zowie of Los Angeles, CA)
FIRST PRIZE WINNER: Rocky Ramirez, also from LA, CA, claims there is ACTUALLY A BAND called I Hate You When You Are Pregnant, and that they’re from Flagstaff. That’s hilarious. He also says there’s a band in Austin called Full Blown AIDS, which is just really, really wrong. We are not giving out the prize for submitting THAT one, because we are not Vice.
SECOND PRIZE WINNER: Will Thompson in the 208 area code submitted the band name Anal Retention, and the album title Caution! Contents Under Pressure!
HONORABLE MENTION goes to Luca Bruno of Basel, Switzerland, who reports that there was a “very influential German indy rock band from the late 80s called Ostzonensuppenwürfelmachenkrebs”, which apparently translates to “East zone soup cubes cause cancer.” That’s less strictly bad than it is just plain confusing. CONGRATS TO EVERYONE, AND THANKS FOR PLAYING!
Welcome to the third-ish installment of “People Who Work Here” where I give you an in depth look inside the personal, private lives of Sub Pop employees. Today’s guest is our new receptionist Sasha. Sasha loves celebrity gossip, biking, sushi, and “bad boys”. (I totally made that last part up—I don’t really know what she likes because she hasn’t been here for very long, but that’s why interviews are good.) Let’s get to know more about Sasha:
L: What is your favorite kind of cupcake?
S: Mostly when I look at cupcakes, I want to puke because I ate so many when I worked at Cupcake Royale. I think I’m cupcaked out for a good decade or so, but when I have a random craving, I go for the lemon drop.
L: Was the cupcake job better than this one?
S: Well, I haven’t gotten a steam wand burn or frosting on my jeans (and that can look gross if you know what I mean) in three weeks! Also, no more creepy old men can hand me their Microsoft business cards. I would say, yes. This job is definitely a step up.
L: Who do you think will be your best ‘office friend’?
S: As of yet, I think Richard comes to my desk most often. Oh excuse me, Dick. But it’s hard to tell. I like that he’s from Scotland because so is my favorite band in the whole world, the Incredible String Band. If he’s anything like his fellow countrymen, he may become my B.O.F. [Never trust a Scotsman! -ed]
L: Do you think everyone’s as snobby as I did when I started here?
S: No one’s snobby! It’s just that you guys are “busy,” right?
L: Has anyone invited you out to lunch yet?
S: No, but I asked an intern to go to lunch with me (well, we know each other already), but she was too busy!! All in time…
L: Whose job would you ultimately like to take over?
S: Easy. Jonathan’s. Last night I had a dream that Kurt Cobain was in love with me, and he told me I should take over Sub Pop. Seriously! A few months ago I had a dream that Kurt was still alive. I saw him in a video store and couldn’t believe it, but he was there because that’s all he could do—watch movies—while he was hiding out.
L: What is your favorite band on the label?
S: I love love love the Dead Moon comp that was released last year, but I don’t think that counts. In college I knew every word to every Postal Service song, but recently I’ve been into the Handsome Furs.
L: Tell me about the best/weirdest phone call you’ve had since being the receptionist.
S: I’ve had the usual “let me tell you about my amazing band” calls, but the weirdest interaction would be when I accidentally buzzed up some guy from a random band looking to get signed. In a 5 minute period, he had complimented every item of my outfit, asked for my phone number, and highly offended me by saying my owl tattoo looked like the Tootsie Roll owl.
L: If you had to make out with someone of the opposite sex that works here who would it be?
S: To be safe, I’d say Dinky the office dog, but I feel like that’s too weird. So I guess I’m left with Andrew and Nick because they’re closer to my age. I have to rule out Andrew because he’s too tall and if I tried to make out with him, I’d only make it to his belly button. That leaves Nick—close in age and height (that’s all I look for in a man, by the way). But he’s technically Hardly Art, so that brings me back to Dinky, and by the way I have a boyfriend!