TUE, AUG 8, 2006 at 11:24 AM

SUB POP INJURY REPORT–SPRING 2K5

We are many things here at Sub Pop World Headquarters—savvy, brainy, busty, blessed with multitudinous talents unmatched by our friends and neighbors—but one thing we are decidedly NOT is graceful. Or, y’know, lucky. In the past month and a half, a startling proportion of our award-winning marketing team has encountered a number of bizzaro tough breaks resulting in theft, injury or the onset of flesh-eating bacteria-induced illness. Still, we succeed! If you can name another label who has been through the following setbacks and has still emerged As Number One, write us at info@subpop.com, and we’ll challenge said label to a helmetless baseball game. Speaking of challenges, Tooth and Nail wanted to duel with us like months ago at the bowling alley, but never told us when to show. If you are a Tooth and Nail employee and have the courage to challenge us to said duel, e-mail us and we’ll meet and obliterate you, even in our current conditions. And what are those conditions, you might ask? Well, let’s let the sweet pictures speak for themselves:

In the first and last photos, you’ll note the large, metal pins sticking out of our IT Director’s arm. Dan got in a wicket ski accident only one week after his car got stolen out of our garage, purportedly by a tiny hooker who has been swiping vehicles from the area, gutting them of their sound systems, and dumping them elsewhere in the neighborhood. He now has oxycontin, vicodin and a new way to shock children. And we in the office continue to sing “Hold me closer, tiny hooker.”
It is also of note that our super intern, Aaron (not pictured) had HIS apartment broken into last week; the man used a hammer wrapped in a shirt and fled afterwards, taking nothing. “What’s funny is that the back door was unlocked the whole time,” Aaron reports.
The most scintillatingly shocking of anyone’s injuries belong to Computer Whiz Andrew, pictured second. Andrew got in a wicked bike accident, and after his face healed up well enough for him to play tennis, he chipped his tooth with a racket. That latter injury happened nary but three days ago. ““If you ever want to find out why people use the term ‘eat shit’ to describe falling down, just go to a party and pour multiple margaritas into a massive widemouth bottle, then after a mere two or three hours try to ride your bike. Perhaps there is a reason they tell you that you shouldn’t drink until you’re 21,” he muses.
In the world of infection, our Star Director of Publicity, Steve, gets the America’s Next Top Model Award for his nasty pinky-finger staf infection last month, which is pictured third and required finger-surgery and several drainings. Everyone: wash your hands! This could happen to you.But that’s not all. We can’t forget our dear Project Manager, Chris, who re-broke his nose weeks ago in an unfortunate soccer incident. “Where there was once a soccer ball, suddenly and with great force appeared the back of some guy’s head. Why anyone would pull this devious sort of switcheroo and cause me to vigorously bleed my own blood, is not altogether clear to me. So much for getting that modeling career off the ground,” Chris reports.Let this be a lesson to you, kids—-do as we say, not as we do! Safety first! Love, Sub Pop


Posted by Harry Dean Hudson