TUE, AUG 8, 2006 at 11:24 AM


PROFILED: Mr. Danny Bland, former Dwarves bassist and card-carrying Priest in the Church of Satan.

ATTITUDE: Well, Danny thinks he’s pretty spooky and rough around the edges but in my educated opinion – because I have known him for 15 years – is he’s just a big doof. Underneath his horns he’s all marshmallow.

APPEARANCE: If I didn’t know that Danny was fastidious, I would say that he’s been wearing the same sweatshirt for 20 years. I know for certain that he’s still wearing the same Converse high-tops as he was when I first met him back when he used styling moose and illegal drugs.

STINKINESS: I’m telling you, the guy is fastidious. Considering he’s of the higher courts of punk rock, it’s quite alarming his standards of self-cleanliness. I think he’s over that brushing-his-teeth-14-times-per-day thing however.

Ps & Qs: He’s polite only until he’s not polite – in which case he’s a big rotten meanie. Kind of like the limerick about the little girl with the curl. “When she was good, she was very, very good – when she was bad she was horrid.”

ENTOURAGE: The unwashed masses, and various underworld figures.

SPAZZINESS: Of a sort. Danny is indeed spazzy in quite a specific way – a way I think he exhibits best by sitting in his underpants on the sofa watching WWF. Of course I have never witnessed such things myself, but people talk.

FINAL GRADE: C. Cool people always get a C-grade because they smoke in the bathroom.

Posted by Harry Dean Hudson