TUE, AUG 8, 2006 at 11:24 AM

David Cross’ Its Not Funny Is Not Worth Stealing.

Dear friends,

My name is Bryan Stroud. I work at CD101 (WWCD FM) in Columbus, Ohio. We play
a bunch of your bands, both on our Independent Playground specialty show and on
our Ordinary Everyday Airwaves. We do not play David Cross’ material.

Judging by the tastes of one particular thief, this is in our best interests.

I live and work downtown. Our station and studios are just a seven-minute walk from
my humble apartment. I have to park my car on the street outside my house because
the dumbass Germans who built my neighborhood in the early 19th century didn’t
leave room for driveways. This means that my car is out there for everyone to see as
they stumble down the street from the bars on High Street to their free parking spots
a few blocks from the activity, which means that I need to be careful and vigilant
about locking up my shit when I park it for the night.

I must have forgotten to check last Friday night because someone broke into my car
(or, slightly less dramatically, just opened the unlocked door) and made off with a
bunch of my stuff. The thief must have had good taste because most of my prized
things were taken. I had a tool kit and $6 worth of change, which is worth something
to even the least cultured car thief, but he also took the following:

Beth Gibbons/Rustin Man – Out Of Season
Gomez – Split the Difference, Liquid Skin AND Bring It On
Secret Machines – Now Here Is Nowhere
The Postal Service – Give Up
Andrew WK – I Get Wet (shut up)
Super Furry Animals – Phantom Power
Propellerheads – Decksanddrumsandrockandroll
Lo-Fidelity All-Stars – How To Operate With A Blown Mind
Charlatans UK – Us And Us Only
and a few other CD’s I haven’t been able to determine yet.

He also took a kilt I had in my trunk. A genuine Scottish kilt, made to fit someone
exactly my size (33 waist, 25 drop) and the matching sporran. Bummer – those things
are like $350, but I don’t know how the pawn/consignment market is for something
like that. It’s not exactly an anonymous item – there probably aren’t a lot of
blackwatch plaid kilts with the word “Maxwell” written inside being bandied about
the second-hand clothing market. But it’s gone, and now I get to busy myself with
calling pawn shops and the like, seeing if they have my stuff.

The thief conspicuously spared four things in my car. He (I assume the thief is a
male) left my cell phone charger, a pair of sunglasses, a burned CD my friend Scott
made for me, and he left my copy of It’s Not Funny by David Cross. It had the digi-pak
and everything, the disc is in good condition, it doesn’t have any distinguishing marks.
The thief just couldn’t be bothered to take it, which I would take as an insult if I were
David Cross.

The perpetrator had already crossed moral lines by entering my car, pilfering my
recorded music and ethnic costume and stealing the change from the center armrest
console. It’s not like taking the Cross CD would have put him over the top in the eyes
of the law, so I can only assume that the thief took what he did because he liked it and
he left what he did because he didn’t like it.

The cell phone charger? Understandable. Those things are built to be as incompatible
as possible.

The sunglasses? They aren’t particularly fashionable anymore, so fine.

There isn’t much of a market for “Dr. Scott’s Best of 2003 Mix,” even at the least picky
of record stores, so I can see leaving that behind.

But a near-mint copy of It’s Not Funny? It makes me think a particular thief was making
some kind of statement.

“I’ll take these two melted Snickers bars from the glove box (I forgot to mention the
melted Snickers bars) and I’ll take an odd garment that probably won’t fit anyone
I know, and I’ll even take is ridiculous Andrew WK CD, but I’m not about to lower
myself to David Cross’ level,” I bet he thought as he picked up the CD, read the
(admittedly misleading) track listing on the inside cover, and put it back where
he found it.

Whatever. At least I still have something to listen to in the car, and having this
backstory now makes the CD even funnier. If you see David, please tell him about it.


Posted by Harry Dean Hudson