TUE, AUG 8, 2006 at 11:24 AM

APRIL SIDEWALK Watching you.

I have some observations that are unique. I should really ask for one dollar
for each of them, but since I usually offer my observations for free to
anyone who will listen to them, I think I shall be philanthropic. Yes,
I DO want an award. Do you have one? My most recently awarded award
was the Clean Face and Hands Award, by the way.

PROFILED OFFICE VISIT: Mr. Mark Kozelek, of the Red House Painters.

EASE OF MOTION: Well he opened the door properly and didn’t touch
the glass. I also did not witness him tripping or faltering in any
overly embarrassing way. He did make himself comfy right away in
the marshmallow lounge chair, which was symbolic of his confidence, if you ask me.

ATTITUDE: Quite nice, if not sort of apathetic. I can understand this,
being that there were all these smiling ninnies coming at him with
their filthy, filthy hands.

APPEARANCE: Rock stars are always shorter than you think, except
for Noveselic, who is actually really towering. I think Mr. K. was
wearing something non-descript. I say this based on the bell curve
of descriptive appearances established by Michael Maker. In comparison,
Mr. K was much far less adorned and wearing his underpants on the inside
of his cloths. He was not wearing pumps.

STINKINESS: I didn’t sniff him, but word is he had weird long man-fingernails.
I couldn’t smell him from my office so that’s a bonus.

P & Q: Yes, quite polite and nice enough. He pat the dog and so forth.
He didn’t vomit, which I always appreciate.

GIFTS: He did not bring any, which I resent very vigorously. My favorite
gift is a rock – so really there’s no excuse. Luckily I am a very
understanding person.

FLAG: I’m sure he was waving one or another. They all are. Perhaps
Mr. K’s flag was the flag of not having a flag. I don’t know.

ENTOURAGE: Not applicable. He arrived alone.

SPAZZINESS: He was not a spaz, nor was he a retard or a dunce. He
did not wave his arms around or spit when he spoke. Maybe he said
some idiotic things but I was not made privy to any, and he didn’t
say anything to me except “where is the restroom.” You know, spazziness
is a hard one – some booty shake is always welcome but moshing is right out.

FINAL GRADE: I will give Mr. Kozelek a B+. He is hindered by the
lack of gifts and also by being slightly boring by our general office
rock star standards. He did however, allegedly discuss my boobs
later that week with my boss. But from what I hear it was a polite
conversation, so this therefore did not affect his over-all office visit grade.

Next month: who knows. The door is always open.

Annaw@subpop.com


Posted by Harry Dean Hudson