Dear customers: We sincerely regret the earlier post of our brand new (he started today) receptionist’s response to a letter criticizing the artwork on the Father John Misty CD. The only course of action we could reasonably take was to terminate the employee immediately. Though he’ll have the distinction of being the shortest (in more ways than one! (he’s tiny)) Sub Pop employee, he’s also aware of what he’s done wrong and that he shouldn’t be proud of himself. To avoid a situation like this in the future, we’re currently taking steps to make sure we don’t hire this type of person again.
Here’s his exit interview:
In your cover letter, you mentioned “numerous” positions in your employment history where you dealt firsthand with customer service. You failed to mention you were such a dick. Why?
Honestly, I wasn’t actually trying to be a dick, I was just trying to be helpful. How is it my fault that this person has such poor penmanship? The solution I offered her seemed like a good one to me. I swear I wasn’t being trying to be a dick.
We were all really excited that you were starting with us here at Sub Pop, none of us thought that this was how our relationship with you would end. How did you see today ending? I mean, were you looking to get fired?
No, I was ecstatic to start this week. Everyone was so proud of me for finally finding a job—even my mother called to wish me a good first day. I have no idea how I’m going to tell everybody that I didn’t even last a full day.
How do you think that this will cause you to treat real people’s concerns in the future? I mean, I hope you’ve learned that a shit attitude covered with a coward’s mask of lackluster sarcasm isn’t going to cut it with your next employer. Are you planning on treating people better moving forward?
Yeah, probably. I guess. I dunno. I can’t even make sense of what happened. I mean, I want to defend myself, but people seem really angry over this. I got a person email from a person claiming that I “ruined the integrity of Sub Pop.” I feel just awful about this.
What’s next for Derek?
I have to get a job like, tomorrow. I’ll probably go home and update my resume and start the hunt for another job tomorrow. Between myself and my guinea pig, I have two mouths to feed. I don’t know otherwise. I’m approaching feelings akin to distress. A combination of shame and hate.
It’s probably a good idea for you to look for work where you don’t have a public-facing role of any sort, don’t you think?
Yeah, probably. I’m sorry that I ruined Sub Pop. I’m sorry for being so pain-in-the-neck-ful.