swain fail.

There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

Cause it was too TIREd!!!

How does a unicorn know he drank too much last night?

He wakes up next to a rhinoceros.

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalape

People often ask me what Semiotics is. I’m not saussure.

What do you call an nosy pepper?

Jalapeño business!

Even God disapproves of soccer.

From the cardinal!

A man is invited out for a drink by his friend.

“I can’t go”, says he, “every time I go out drinking with you, I overdo it and throw up all over myself. If I do that again, my wife says she’ll leave me”

“Not to worry”, says his friend, “I have a plan. If that happens, put a £20 note in your jacket pocket – tell your wife that someone else threw up on you, and gave you 20 pounds for the dry-cleaning bill”.

So the two men go out, overdo it, and our hero throws up all over himself. When he gets home, his wife is furious…

“Right, that’s it, I’m leaving you”

“Nononono, someone else threw up on me – look, he left me £20 in my jacket pocket for the drycleaning bill”

“hmmm, OK. But why are there two £20 notes in there?”

“Ah, yes. the other one is from the man who crapped in my pants”

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

“We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”

Thunderpants.

“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Carmen,” she replied.
“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”
“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked.
“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”
“Beertits,” the man replied.

- So what did you want to become when you were a kid?
- When I was young, I wanted to become a priest, but I was too shy to approach kids.

You can’t hear an enzyme.

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“9/11.”

“9/11 who?”

“You said you’d never forget!”

But it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico…

A man is sent to Hell and is taken by a demon to three rooms; one of which he must inhabit for eternity. The first room is a group of people standing on their heads in three feet of water. The man asks to see the next room. It contains another group of people much like the first except the room is filled with oil. He goes to the third room filled with people standing up in three feet of shit, all drinking coffee. The man decides the third room is best. After the demon asks if he’s sure, he pushes the man into the shit. He then says “OK everyone, coffee break is over, back on your heads”.

A fish is swimming in the water when he hits his head, and he says, “Dam!”

Two guys went fishing and found an excellent spot. One of them gets a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat.
The other guy says, “You’re so stupid. What if we come back and don’t get the same boat??”

What type of wood doesn’t float?

Natalie Wood

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named “In” and “Out.” They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside. One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

“My my, Out,” she said, “How did you find In so quickly?”

Out just smiled and said, “Instinct.”

Two canadians are bored one day. They decide to play 20 questions.

The first one tries to think of a clue that the other will never guess and comes up with “moosecock.”

The second asks his first question, “Can you eat it?”

After a short pause the first replies, “Sure, you could eat it.”

The second quickly asks, “Is it moosecock?”

A horse walks into a barn. The barntender says, “We don’t serve dicks in here, so get the fuck out.”

What do you call a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles?

A: Endless Love

A man goes into a bar, he’s an alcoholic and it’s killing his family.

Two dogs walk into a pub on a lovely sunday morning. The barkeep immediately sets upon the dogs and screams at the top of his lungs no dogs allowed!
The dogs speak in unison saying we are not dogs, we are irish two whiskeys please.
The barkeep yells No Irish allowed!
The dogs retort; no we are mexicans we said we were irish so you would kick us out.
the bartender confused starts to cry and then poops his diaper, then unzips his skin to reveal he is a dog himself.
The bartender dog says welcome to heaven now smell my butt.

Question: what do you get when you goose a ghost?
Answer: a handful of sheet

What’s the difference between disco dancing and pea green soup?

You can teach someone to disco dance.

(…but you can’t teach someone to pee green soup.)

what’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm…

…the holocaust

Yeah, well he’s alright now. Get it? All riiight now?

Kermit’s finger

Kermit’s finger

After his controversial almost-perfect game, the Detroit Tigers gave Armando Galarraga a Corvette.
turns out it had faulty brakes. umpire Jim Joyce came over & took a look & said it was safe.

Where to kings keep their armies?

In their sleevies

I was in Japan a few years ago watching performers outside Yoyogi Park. The guy with the big hair was a total dick. I was on a business trip with a few work colleagues and we wanted a picture with him after they had finished performing. One of the guys I was with that spoke a little Japanese went up to him and asked politely if we could take a picture. I think the guy thought that my friend was going to touch his hair so out of nowhere he shoved my friend down about 3 concrete stairs! At this point, me and the 2 other guys I was with jumped in and started yelling at the dude, asking him why he did that. We went back and forth with him for a couple minutes while my friend recovered from falling down the stairs. Then all the other members of his posse started approaching us and pulling out switchblades from their back pockets! By this time there is a huge crowd around and once we saw that they had knives we started yelling even louder asking them what the hell their problem was. One of the dudes in the back started piping up pretty loudly and it was clear that he spoke English so I asked him to calm down. That didn

“My dog has no nose.”
“How does it smell?”
“Massive.”

If you can deliver my records in the Subpop ROFLcopter, I’d appreciate it.

How do you put elephant into a refrigerator?
Take the rotten elephant away and put the fresh one in.

My friend just got fired from a baseball equipment warehouse. He got caught stealing bases.

what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?
somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there

a mouse and an elephant go to the movies together. the film is about to start: the mouse sits in the back row, the elephant in the front row.

after the movie, the elephant says to the mouse “well, that was a fun movie, right?”. the mouse answers: “Dude, you were sitting in the front row, I couldn’t see shit. It isn’t much fun when you aren’t able to see anything. :(”

A week later, the two are going again but before the movie actually starts the mouse says “well, this time we’re going to do things differently. you go and sit in the back row, i sit in the front row!”

after the movie ends, the mouse says to the elephant: “Well, it isn’t so funny when you can’t see anything, right?”

A slipper!

For Drizzle!

Wolf Parade’s new album is actually the final attendance number of their hometown’s last MLB game.

Pokerface!!!

A man had been working at a timber mill for most of his life, happily working away and avoiding accidents, until one day, after a bad night, he’s a little distracted and manages to saw his hand off.
“Quick! Get his hand on ice in a plastic bag!” His superviser directs.
The hand is picked up, and placed in a ziplock bag filled with ice.
The ambulance comes, takes the man to hospital, and the hand is successfully re-attached. A few months later, after a number of safety talks, the man is put back at his old post. Despite all his care, he manages to cut off the other hand. A new ziplock bag, filled with ice, stores his hand on the trip to the hospital, where the hand is successfully re-attached.

A few months later, the man is put back in charge of the same machine. A co-worker asks him a question, and he slips on a bolt on the floor, managing to cut his head off with the saw.
His co-workers rush him to hospital, with his head in an ice-filled ziplock bag.
After a tense three hour surgery, the doctor comes out to give the co-workers the bad news that the man has not made it. “You did the right thing of course, by packing the head in ice, but when you closed the bag, he suffocated!”

Q: What do you call a deer without eyes?
A: No Idear?

Q: What do you call a deer without eyes or limbs?
A: Still no Idear……

Last night I had a dream I was a muffler,

when I woke up I was exhausted.

ROBERT PLANT!!!!!

What do you call 2 rabbits fucking?

2 fucking rabbits.

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneeded a poo.

(simple and the best)

A man orders an asian prostitue for 8pm but she arrives at 9pm.

She loved him wrong time…

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

Every time I head down to my allotment there is a new pile of dirt dumped across all my vegetables, I just can’t work out who is doing it – the plot thickens.

There was a young lad who was obsessed with tractors, he had tractor wallpaper, tractor bedsheets, tractor curtains. He even had little toy tractors that filled up his shelves (it was a bit sad, the lad was about 19). One day the kid hears that there will be a tractor exhibition at the annual village fair, excited (as you can imagine he would be) he rushes down just as it opens and there, right before his eyes, is his third favourite tractor – the DZN518 – our hero rushes over to it and turns pleadingly to the guy running the stall to ask if he can take it for a spin.

The guy takes one look at our 19 year old tractor worshipper, laughs and tells him to piss off, there is no way he is going to let this urchin drive his tractor, for all he knows he won’t come back with it.

Disappointed as he is, the adorer of tractors doesn’t let this get him down. So he walks on a bit further until. Oh my days, there it is – the KJN879 – officially the second greatest tractor of all time (in his books anyway). With his mouth agape the young man goes over and is about to lay his hands on the smooth chassis when a voice yells out to keep his mucky hands off this fine vehicle. He looks over and, before he can ask if it’s ok to jump in and rev the engine a bit, the owner glares with such disgust at him he thinks twice and decides to just mosey on. It appears tractor salesmen aren’t quite as friendly as he inspected.

Nevermind because standing not 15 feet away, almost bathed in a golden hue, is the tractor that dreams are made of – the X3NT – this tractor made the lad weak at the knees. He rushes over and without hesitation barks at the salesman that he must, absolutely must be able to drive this tractor. The salesman looks at our hero and says he wishes he could let the kid have a go but he wouldn’t be insured and the trouble he would get into would be far more than can be imagined.

Our lover of all things tractor practically breaks down in tears, runs home and proceeds to smash all mention of tractor in his room; the curtains are torn down, bedsheets ripped in two, tractor models crushed under stomping, angry feet. It’s at this point that the protagonist’s mobile phone rings – it’s a mate asking if he fancies going for a pint, of course he does, the kids just been disillusioned to the max by that which he loved.

So they meet up and go into their local, which is so clotted with smoke they can barely see the bar. Bearing in mind there is a smoking ban in public places this is quite a big shock. They manage to weave their way to the bar and immediately question the landlord about the smokes presence. He replies that no matter what he’s tried he just can’t stop the patrons smoking. The kid, who up until recently considered tractors sacrosanct, says that if he can get rid of the smoke can he and his accomplice get a free round, to which the barkeep shrugs why not, struggling to see how this young whippersnapper could possibly solve his smoke problem.

So the star of our tale walks into the centre of the room and breathes in and out a few times before sucking in a massive gust of the smoky air before rushing out the door and exhaling every last grey, eye-watering fume. He walks back in and up to the shell shocked barman who, understandably, asks him how on earth he managed to do that.
The kid simply replies – I’m an ex-tractorfan

A magic tractor is driving along a road and turns into a field.

That is all.

What’s brown and rhymes with ‘snoop’?
…
..
.
..
…
Dr Dre.

Email=unclefarkus@gmail.com

Who’s there?

Madame!

Madame who?

Madame foots caught in the door!

Destroyer of The Void=Album of the year!!

What do you call a potato at a football game?

A spud-tater!!!

Because they all have phones..

So two Whales are chilling talk bout plankton an stuff, when all of the sudden one of the whales spots a boat full of tourists. One whale says to the other whale "hey mofo lets go spray those tourists with our blowholes. the other whale sez “nah! that is corny” the other whale sez “oh come on we never have any fun.” the other whale then sez “well OK lets do it.” So the two whales spray the tourists with their blowholes. The other whale sez hey look someone fell in the water lets go eat that mofo. The other whale sez Look! I agreed to the blow job but I aint swallowing any seamen.

So there’s a bear and a Rabbit having a shit in the Woods.
The bear looks at the rabbit a and says “Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?”
The Rabbit looks at the bear and says “No”
So the Bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: Anal sex.

Q: What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

A: You can’t take a joke.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift!

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ’Keep off the Grass. ahahaha

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no limbs and no dick? Still no fucking idear.

how come gary coleman died but brett michaels didn’t? even though they suffered the same things and it was so similar!?!
Its cause they had…DIFFERENT STROKES!!

Martha is thinking to herself, I think we just ran a red light but I won’t say anything, Beulah will think I’m going crazy. They run another red light and Martha still doesn’t say anything. After running the third red light, Martha looks at Beulah and says, “Beulah, are you trying to kill us, you’ve ran three red lights!” Beulah looks at Martha and says, “Oh my God, am I driving?!?!”

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are under a buck.

Nada.

Get off me homes! (mexican accent required)

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?

There were two muffins in a muffin tin, baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Man, it’s hot in here!” The other one replies, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!”

Dig a large, deep hole.
Line the outside ridge with peas.
When the elephant goes to take a pea kick him in the ash hole.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack full of dead babies?

….I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Q:

What’s the difference between Nickelback, three doors down, creed, MTV, Lars Ulrich, over played/produced pop music, Keith Urban, and a bucket of shit?!!!

The bucket.

Three Irish men are sitting in a pub when a drunken old man comes up to first man and says, “Your motha’ is uh dirty little whore! I did her up so hard that she couldn’t walk da next day!” The Irish lad was a wee bit mad but shrugged it off.

Next, the old man walked up to the second man and said, “Now, your motha’ is just as filthy! I ran a marathon on her and she was still askin’ for more!” This lad gave an angry scowl but turned back to finish his pitcher.

Finally, the old man walked up to the third man and said “Yes, your motha’ is the dirtiest whore of all! She loved it when I spit on her back while doin’ it from behind.” At this, the third guy turned to the other two and said, “Brothers, it’s time we be gettin’ Dad back home.”

What were the Drummer’s last words to the band?

“Hey guys, I wrote some songs . . . "

A Wookie mistake!!!!

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”

GRAINS!

GRAINS!

The Furious Pace of Benjamin Butt-Fucken

Did you hear about the cow that jummped the barbed wire fence?

It was an utter disaster.

I know you prefer roses on your piano but i’d rather have tulips on my organ.

dude goes into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. “wassat from?” he asks. the bartender tells him, “you put your bill in there and complete 3 tasks and you get the jar, but your money stays in there regardless of whether you finish them or not.” he puts his 10 in and the bartender explains: “first, you drink a whole bottle of this tequila without spilling a drop. second, there’s a pitbull outside with a bad tooth. you take out the tooth. third, there’s a 90-yr-old woman upstairs who’s never had sex before. you fix that.” so the guy sits back in a corner and has about 10, 12 beers before getting the courage up. finally, he gets up, walks over to the bar and chugs the tequila. tears are streaming down his eyes, but he doesn’t spill a drop. then, he staggers out to the back… loud howls and thrashing noises are heard followed by loud whimpering. the guy comes in, his clothes ripped up and blood dripping from his extremities… “so… where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

Def Leppard

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Just look for the fresh prints [Fresh Prince].

Why was the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic man always tired?

He spent all his nights lying awake wondering if there was a dog.

There’s a tray of muffin tins in an oven being baked. One muffin turns to another and says, “Man, it’s really getting hot in here.” The second muffin responds, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!”

Pick him up and suck his dick

get a lead guitarist to shut up?

A: put sheet music in front of him.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sees a young woman sitting at the bar. he strikes up a conversation with her, “so what do you do?”

She replies, “I like to drink beer and sleep with beautiful women – I’m a lesbian. what do you do?”

The cowboy takes his hat off and rubs his forehead, “well, up until a minute ago, I thought I was a cowboy.”

A piece of string walking into a bar hoping to get a drink but the bartender takes one look at him and tells the piece of string, “get out, we don’t serve your kind here. Out! Out!”
Sad, and rather downtrodden, the piece of string leaves and is so disappointed he doesn’t care where he’s walking and he ends up running up against the walls of the buildings and falling into the street and just becoming rather beat up. Finally, he decides he won’t stand for this and decides to return to the bar. Striding in he looks straight at the bar tender, who immediately looks up and demands “Hey! Aren’t you the same piece of string I kicked out of here a minute ago? GET OUT! I already told you, we don’t serve your kind!”
The piece of string looks at him and says “I’m a frayed knot.”

What does a guitarist do with a 2/7 off suite?

A: He Foals [insert catchy guitar riff]

1) You come in a box with 11 other guys.

2) You only get laid once.

and…

3) The only woman to sit on your face is your mom.

What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
by imapickledbeet @ June 18, 2010, 2:18 PM

Look, I have to be honest—my boss told me that these all suck and that I’ll get in mass trouble if I give away a prize, but I love you guys and I’m gonna stand up to the man. That being said, we picked at random because all these jokes are either about dead babies or are for two year olds. Congratulations, PickledBeet—I’ll contact you via email regarding your prize.
xo

You people clearly have no sense of humor. My joke rocked!

Old Geezer: Hey d’ya know what Beethoven is up to?

Me: no idea.

Old Geezer: DE-composing.

Me: lol.

Q: What do non-alcoholic beer and going down on your cousin have in common?

A: They taste the same but you know it’s just not right.

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

For excellence in his field.

A woman walks into a drug store and when the druggist asks if he can help her she replies “I’d like the abortion pill please.” The druggist replied “RU486?” To which the woman, pointing at her belly, replied “I’m for 86’n this baby!”

whats the difference between watermelon and dead babies?

I dont rape my watermelon before i eat it